got driven to jemily’s drunk and spent the night counting crows through the door. don’t know why, but hearing it put me back in New York in the triple, when b and I only ever kept three cds in the player: august and everything after, mutations, and yo la tengo. the late dark nights, sitting by the dirty windows across from the dirty rooftops, listening and watching the lightning split the city sky, feeling that electric buzz, the humm in your heart that makes it beat faster and pump adrenaline. It was the night b and I first really fell. I got to play christ and adam at the same time. Then there was everything. Everything just kept hitting my poor drunk brain over and over again, the goodbyes, the empty now, the hurt, the hum, the then, the then that was better, or the who that I hurt. The everything. The kid who was at my house last weekend and had blown his brains all over a car by tuesday. I didn’t know him so well, which makes empathy simple. Its clear cut, he is the tragic hero of all I can make him. So I laid there with my arm crooked across my eyes and choked on everything, emily curling around me confused. Asked if I wanted to talk about it and all I said was “don’t know how.” Cause I didn’t.

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