あなたの睾丸を見せて下さい。ー ”Please show me your testicles.”
Hearing an elderly Japanese man ask me this question was one of those rare moments in life… the kind that give you a special sort of appreciation for the delicacy of a given situation. Not only did I show this man my testicles, I even let him squeeze them a bit, despite the sudden stabbing pain it caused. Why? I can see your face, your eyebrows knit with concern… those big puppy eyes are asking so pleadingly, so inquisitively, so OK, I’ll tell you. The reason is two-fold: a. He’s a doctor, and b. My balls hurt. Constantly. For over 10 days now. He gave me pills and I went on my way. As yet the pain hasn’t “stopped” but I’m sure, any minute now…
God knows why I have such shit luck lately. My life reads a bit like the international section of BBC, personalized. It’s just that instead of
At least 20 people are killed after the failure of a fire extinguishing system on a Russian nuclear submarine,” or whatever,
the latest headline from our ongoing news coverage of this shit storm reads a little something like:
“Bulletin – Latest from Ed’s Life:
Diagnosis Official, “Epididymitis,” doctors said Friday. Causes remain unclear in this, the latest development, in what has certainly been a difficult few months for the whiny American English teacher…” WTF life??!?! Where the fuck does this stuff end? Obviously, someone upstairs hates me, or is at least upset with me for the moment, or maybe the universe just decided I had some “come-uppance” to atone for. I dunno.
Wadayama was miserable, sure, but it was just a shitty place, the problem was not personal but merely external conditions I could whine about and then eventually even change… which I did, by moving…. then Toyooka was awesome, but for exactly one year, almost like a lease, or a warranty. As soon as the terms are up, POOF… stuff starts falling out of the sky. Its hard to whine, mainly just because it’s absurd, often comic. I’m taking bets on what goes wrong next, by the way, “Ed’s appendix bursts” or “Ed’s TV explodes” or “Ed bitten by rabid, wild tanuki.” I figure anything’s just as likely. Let me know where you’ve got your money and we’ll make a pool… lord knows I need the cash (just another straw on the camel’s back!!) I just hope I don’t end up disfigured, lame, or short a limb or two by the time its all over. But before we continue our regularly scheduled programming, it’s now time for…
[Tom Waits Voice Over]!!!
“Yeaaaah I know, things is tough all over, n they aint get any better… hell, ya know, I mean, it’s COLD out there… colder’n the ticket-taker’s smile at the Ivar Theater on a Saturday night heh heh… when the thunderstorms start increasing in the southeastern and south-central portions of my apartment, I get upset. With tornado watches issued before noon in the western regions of my mental health, including the northern portion of my ability to deal rationally with my disconcerted precarious emotional situation… That wraps up the emotional weather report for this evening… now back to the eleven o’clock blues.”
Thank you, Tom. Tomorrow, coming up at 8, it’s more Stupid Human Tricks! …and also… PRESIDENT ELECT, BARrrrrrrrrrrRRRRAAACK…. … …. ooooooooooooooooooooOOOOBAMA!!!!!!! (rabid crowd cheering)
…who will give us a speech on how he hopes to change the hopes of those who are hoping for change in a changing America, a hopeful message of hope for those of us hoping for change… in these… troubled times.