Ol’ pappy gramps is grumpin around the blog today folks…let me tell you ungrateful blood-suckers about what’s really GRINDIN MY GEARS.

KIDS, that’s right. Damn kids. Is it just me, or do young folks today think it’s hilarious to be sincere? There’s a whole “Scene” out there that exists purely on the joke of its own existence. It’s not even irony anymore, hell in my time we knew the difference, dammit! Us first-wave hipsters wore the wolf-in-the-forest-howling-at-the-moon t-shirt, yeah, but when we sang songs we still meant it. These damn upstart youngin bands. All I hear them singing is “Oooheahhhhhahaaaaaaaeahea[inaudible]aeeeeeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaafuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck” or some such. There’s so much damn reverb anyway, who knows what they say. Could be saying, “fuck you for buying this cheap mood music,” could be saying, “Cleanup Isle 9!” Its like the band that cares the least about the music is the winner…It’s my hypothesis that the younger generation is so freaked by the world, they’d rather drown it out in pot and washes of verby guitar-synth blend… or worse…*shudder*… “Drum and Bass,” a genre which, we all know, is just ONE wow-wow-wow-wow bass sound and ONE shitty, sped up drum loop… over….and over…. and over… and over… until the drugs make you puke/black out.

Anyway, I digress…

So you wanna have a hit on the blogs? Here’s yer recipe for contemporary success with the cool kids: 

1 synth + laptop

1 guitar + 100 effect pedals + loopers

1 Drummer with trigger pads attached to kit

1 One guy who’s role/job is unclear. Fiddles nobs on some home-made looking electronic stuff, plays found objects as percussion, looks at laptop. Sings backup.

Layer several simple, bland parts on top of each other using each of the above. Blend to mush and coat generously with reverb. Add Vocals doused heavily in more reverb and tape echo to be rendered unintelligible.  Wear neon turtlenecks, huge vintage glasses and acidwash jeggings. Get really stoned. Get a tattoo of an emoticon 😉 on bicep. Sing about zombie surfer girls, or whatever. Come up with a genre name that has the word “wave” in it, like chill wave, dark wave, dance wave, or wavvvveeeesssss, or not, whatever.

 I read in a recent interview some kid, whose record is now blowing up on the NME and “The Blogs” (which ones, right??? Am I the only one who doesn’t know what “THE BLOGS” are that everyone refers to? I used to read pitchfork in college…. is that still a thing?) so he says, this ‘up & comer,’ and the interviewer just glows with affective description when he does… he says [begin paraphrase!] “I just wanna have fun, get drunk & get high with my friends, you know?” Yeah, I know. At least in the 60’s they had shit like ‘Nam and racial injustice and the sack to sing about it while they were tripping balls onstage in front of naked hippies. Fuck man, I’s listening to Grand Funk Railroad last night… and sure they’re better players than lyricists, but at least they’re screamin: “PEOPLE LETS STOP THE WAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar” on an album called E Pluribus Funk. Proof that you can have cake, and eat it if you damn please.

 We’ve got, if anything, more issues than ever…shit, you thought nam was bad? We gotta legalize gay, end the longest goddamn war in ‘Merica’s history, fuggin recession up in here, global warming throwin superstorms at NYC, and we’re singin about somebody (a girl?) that this guy used to know, and how tonight, we are young… so…uh, we’ll set the world on FIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAA, we can go HIIIIIYAAAAAAA. There’s nothing wrong with feel good music, I know I sound like a down-in-the-mouth dour-puss. But dammit I like Bruce Springsteen, and that’s my way of saying a really good songmaker can write Dancin In the Dark, Born in The USA, and I’m On Fire…that is, be sincere as hell, serious, engaged, profound and also fun as shit…all at the same time muthafucka! That’s the Boss.

The last time I heard something new on the radio or “blogosphere” (WHAT THE FUCK WHY DO WE ALL HAVE TO USE THAT WORD?? WHY CAN”T I JUST KEEP SAYING “ON THE INTERNET.”) with a “statement” of any kind it was the Arcade Fire. Meh. The statement itself was pretty lackluster too [cue paraphrase number 2!]: “SUBURBS ARE DEPRESSING, SOUL EATING PLACES AND THERE’S NO ESCAPE.” At least they won a grammy. #whogivesafuckaboutgrammies. Ok scratch that, at least I can make out the lyrics.

Pappy gramps, the grump, signing out.