From the little black notebook of horrors:

 

How long has it been since I wrote HONESTLY? Wrote for nobody. Wrote to write…all black eyes and missing commas. Wrote without imagining any reader? Is such a thing still possible? Gotta write to excercise all the guilt and the garbage outta my head or I’ll go outta my head. Dear Diary. I’m fuckered. Settled out in the suburbs. Two cats and a crushing sense of ease. No polyunsaturated transfats. Hours of streaming video. Family weekends on the make. Last of the good old gas-powereds & the guns of brixton on LP. Cruise the wifi into work. Treadmill desk. Treadmill at the house. Stayin fit. Ironed out all the sheets last sunday. Lawn needs a good vacuum. Saving kids till we’re good & ready. Under the legal limit, independently minded. Healthy discussion. A vague distates. Strangers mumbling at the counter. Healthy hobbies. Oceans of pornography. YOUREAFUCKINGSELFISHGREEDYASSHOLE. What else do you want? What did you expect? Everything and everything. And why not. NO, I wont apologize. I’m so, so sorry.

Why so afraid to make an enemy or two? Know yourself: make a new enemy every day. Too scared Nyah Nyah. Nobody loves you, you worthless pieceofshit-everybody loves an underdog, underdog. Hold your breath & pee on your shoes. My New Years Resolution Is. Tweet it, fuckface! Arabs are dying and you’re whining about self-esteem. Arabs Tweet.

Allah Ackbar you ragheadsummmbichhhh !MERICA! Eat your self worth. Eat your weight in gold. Punch the Gifthorse right in his stupid, fat mouth and bake a bigger turkey. You deserve it. It’s been a tough year, I know how it is. It’s not really your fault, after all. In this economy? Nobody saw it coming, I know. I saw it. I saw it on my newsfeed somewhere, I guess. Can’t remember who. I saw it in a movie once. Health Strength Wisdom Beauty Knowledge Power – Come get some! It’s not my problem if you’re feeling overwhelmmmmmmmmmmmmedkeep up! You did sign up for the full subscription package…it says right here. After all, its not really relevant. Your payment is saved for future use. Would you like to modify your user preferences? NExt ClicK halF_0FF!###

Rent a beautiful new car! Rent your pet! Rent a kid! Rent a penis! Rent a cottage on a lake somewhere HASHTAG beautifulouthere. “Unplug” for a couple days…feels great. Back to basics. Discover yourself. DIscover. Innner self. Quit meat. Quit gluten. QUit smoking, definnitely. QUit booze. Quit eating. Paleo vita-infused beta-blocking vegan non-gmo nutri-smoothie freeze dried and bagged at your doorstep. Stop editorializing. Does wonders for chronic pain. Adjust your expectations and manage your feelings. Use your WORDS. Daddy said “NO!” No nintendo after dinner. You know the rules. Something to help you sleep. Put a socket in it. Light my fire! Furst thought wurst thought. Help you help me help yourself.

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